Express don't Suppress - Understanding your Emotional Control
We’ve been taught to control our emotions if we want to fit in. But we’ve learned to suppress emotions and that is not what we should be doing.
We’ve been taught to control our emotions if we want to fit in. But we’ve learned to suppress emotions and that is not what we should be doing.
From our earliest years in the school of life we are taught to control our emotions but instead of learning to master our emotions we suppress them.
We think that to manage our emotions means to push them down. The result is bottled emotions - anxiety, resentment, depression.
Emotional control is a product of emotional intelligence and here’s an exploration on the importance of expressing rather than suppressing our emotions.
From our earliest years we learn their rules...
We are taught to control our emotions from childhood.
There’s a song by the band, Metallica, called “Unforgiven,” in which they sing:
“New blood joins this Earth
And quickly he's subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules…”
From our earliest years we learn their rules, or The Rules. From our youngest moments we are taught to control our emotions.
“Don’t make a scene.”
“Big boys don’t cry.”
“You’re a big girl now.”
We are taught that emotions may only be expressed in appropriate circumstances and appropriate times or we suffer that constant pained disgrace.
We teach our children not to cry, not to get angry. We hide our sadness from them and thus they learn that sadness and grief are forbidden, if not unforgiven.
We learn the rules.
People nod and agree when you let off some harsh words when the petrol price goes up but you can’t get raging mad.
You can cry at a funeral but you better not still be crying at your desk after the funeral.
You can be happy at a wedding, but then you better settle down because others might get jealous over how happy you are.
Sound familiar?
Society teaches us that there’s a very narrow band of emotions in which we are permitted to express; and only in at the right time and in the right place.
Deviating outside these lines is met with concern, if not therapy and medication.
Deviating outside these lines is met with concern, if not therapy and medication.
And we wonder what happened to our sense of wonder.
We learn to adapt.
Unbridled emotions make us suspicious of the very sanity of others.
Why?
Because the expression of unbridled joy or devastating sadness was something we had to leave in childhood.
We had to leave them behind to learn their rules, to appear “normal”; to be able to fit in.
And then we wonder why we are so unhappy.
And we wonder what happened to our sense of wonder.
And we wonder how did we ever get this way?
We stuff them down.
To fit in; to appear normal or stable; to be accepted we learn to “control” ourselves.
We grab our emotions and we push them down with a fierce intensity, denying them, shouting at them, “You do not belong here!”
It’s not necessary to understand them if we bury them deep enough, right?
We place a strangle-hold on our feelings so that we don’t get kicked out of the herd, or wind up in a straight jacket.
No matter how many times we get punched in the face by careless, calloused others; no matter how much pain we feel; no matter how much injustice and corruption we see around us we bury it deep.
We must not let them see us cry.
But that’s not what control means.
We must not let them see us cry.
But that’s not what control means.
You can bury it deep but it will bubble to the surface.
Its not about control, but emotional regulation.
Imagine, for a moment, that our emotions are like water and you are the vessel. You can cover the water with sand. It will seep through.
You can bury it deep but it will bubble to the surface.
Water needs to flow or it becomes stagnant. Water needs to give life just as our emotions need to be given expression.
And if it freezes it causes your vessel to crack.
How to express your emotions.
If you have a hose pipe with water flowing under high pressure that hose pipe will snake all over the garden until you pick up the hose pipe and direct that flow to the plants that need it.
Control is not suppression.
Control is direction.
Control is managing that water to where it is needed; managing that water to nourish your garden. Your emotions need to be recognized, named, acknowledged and expressed. Not suppressed.
Your pain, your anger, your happiness, your sadness, your disappointment needs to be expressed. They need to get out of the darkness of your mind and into your body, your awareness and then channeled into nourishing your life.
Expressing yourself does not mean running down the road with an axe. It does not mean harming others.
It means getting it out in nourishing ways so that it does not harm you.
Sometimes we may feel we don’t do emotions because they bring up uncomfortable feelings, but that’s just another way to push emotions aside and another form of emotional abuse, except we’re doing it to ourselves.
While researching this blog I came across this article:
https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-control-your-emotions#regulate
I especially like number 2 which speaks about emotional regulation.
See, its not so much about the control over our emotions but managing our emotions and finding ways to express not suppress them; we need to liberate our emotions in a way that nourishes us. We need to learn how to stop suppressing emotions, especially those emotions from childhood.
In my previous Blog and Vlog about harnessing both wolves to your sled
(https://mdtransformations.co.za/Blog-Living-with-your-Wolves.html)
I explored how its necessary for both your light and your darkness to have expression in constructive ways.
We must not let them see us cry.
But that’s not what control means.
Emotional control is actually emotional regulation and not suppression
Emotional control is actually emotional regulation and not suppression. It is a product of emotional intelligence and its about managing our emotions and finding ways to liberate them in ways that nourishes us.
Healthy emotional expression and emotional regulation are keys to deeper insights into our emotional well-being, and that’s essential if we don’t want to crack.
From our earliest years in the school of life we are taught to control our emotions but instead of learning to master our emotions we suppress them. The result is bottled emotions - anxiety, resentment, depression.
Healthy emotional expression and emotional regulation are keys to deeper insights into our emotional well-being.
So if you’re struggling with anger, resentment, anxiety or if you’re just numb because you’re out of touch with your emotions, I believe I can help you get past those blocks.
Book an Appointment.
