Finding your Place when you don't Fit
Even in my younger years I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. And I had so many questions.
Here’s how I answered some of them and how embracing my weirdness was a solution.
Even in my younger years I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. And I had so many questions.
Here’s how I answered some of them and how embracing my weirdness was a solution.
I arrived on this planet in 1972 and I was handed:
1 x family. Slightly dysfunctional but they loved me;
1 x standard issue religion;
1 x standard issue schooling system.
And I was lucky. I also got 1 x staffy who was my first guardian angel.
I was raised by my parents and I had my classmates, my schooling, my family and my religion. I felt a sense of belonging, but, deep down, deep in the depths of my core…
I knew that I didn’t fit in.
Weirdness 101.
It sounds strange to have felt a sense of belonging and yet never fitting in, but if you’ve been there, you know that a sense of belonging comes from being accepted in a certain group and the irony is that to know you have a sense of belonging really comes from a state of not fitting in.
Weirdness101, right?
I knew that I didn’t fit in.
You need to feel safe; that your partner or partners have your back.
#1 Safety.
The most important principle for a sustainable relationship is Safety.
You need to feel safe; that your partner or partners have your back.
You don’t want to come home from your high-pressure job to engage in sarcasm. Healthy banter is good. Cutting remarks disguised as banter is not.
You don’t want to feel like you’re walking on eggshells; or being shamed for colouring your hair blue. You want to know that from the safety of your relationship you can conquer your mountain.
So you see, safety is the flower that produces the aroma of mutual acceptance, empathy and respect.
#2 Your Relationship is Your First Born.
Whether you have children or not, your relationship is your first-born.
What that means is that the needs of the relationship will grow, mature, and develop, based on the love that started it and nurtured it. Too many relationships fail when real children come along and that’s because the partners have neglected their first born.
Yes, there will be snotty noses but rather snot than blood.
Religion failed.
And I saw my not-fitting-in-ness in Religious Instruction class where they made certain statements and they just didn’t make sense to me.
I was 15 when my father died. Religion offered a little solace but I had questions…
Society failed.
I saw this at social gatherings where they made certain statements about certain racial groups and I just couldn’t relate. This was pre-1994.
I went to school with black and white kids and I liked them all, so I had questions…
Tolerance failed.
And I saw this in the world at large who thought it was wrong for someone to be gay but I have gay friends and I love them dearly so that the world at large made no sense about being gay and I had questions…
Its no wonder that my school yearbook of 1986 describes me as “eccentric.”
I was 15 when my father died. Religion offered a little solace but I had questions…
I had questions that the groups could not answer and so I felt I could never fit in.
That pressure in your chest is a feeling of discontent.
I belonged to many social groups, I suppose, and I followed their principles for the most part (the good ones) but I had questions that the groups could not answer and so I felt I could never fit in.
(Disclaimer: I do also, consider myself to be quite… out of the box. I’ve always preferred to go barefoot and I’ve always thought differently about things, so maybe I was fortunate to have been as accepted as I was back then. Like I said, my family love me. But I digress…)
Even worse, beyond not fitting in, I didn’t even know I had those questions.
That’s another odd statement, but you know its true.
It’s a strange feeling of discontent that persists in your chest, in your mind.
It’s a fleeting shadow on the periphery of your vision and you just can’t pin it down and so you tend to ignore it consciously but it’s always there.
Then one day it happens.
Then one day you have an enlightened conversation with someone or you read an article or listen to a song and then it hits you and a gong goes off and you have a strong sense of resonance like massive church bells and something inside you goes “click” and that pressure of discontent is gone for a while because now you have an insight.
Now you’ve had an epiphany, a revelation that came from somewhere inside of you and not from your standard issue schooling or religion or society.
The Big Questions.
Of all the big questions I have asked in my life, the biggest question has always been, “Why?”
Why am I here?
Why do people die?
Why is more often that not followed by, “What can I do about it?” and “How should I proceed?”
But always there is that lingering question of “Where?”
With all the questions I have answered, trophies if you will, on my quest of Why I have yet to answer that one:
Where do I fit in?
Am I forever a misfit?
The answer didn’t come in a flash.
I may be wrong. Maybe the answer is still coming in a flash of light, but I think I missed the answer to that question.
I missed it because it didn’t come with bells and whistles or gongs or major resonant frequency. It was staring me right in the face.
It’s staring at me… from your face.
I think we’re all misfits, deep down. I think we’re all weird. We have smooth parts and we have twisted parts. We have skip-through-the poppy-fields joy and we have world-splitting darkness. We are unique products of our choices and experiences and in that we are sovereign.
And that’s where I fit in.
With all the questions I have answered, I have yet to answer that one:
Where do I fit in?
Embracing your weirdness is part of living your wisdom.
Living the Wisdom is Embracing Your Weirdness.
The lessons we learn beyond the classroom are often called the School or University of Life and it’s the questioning, conscious or unconscious, that leads us to learn those lessons and when we’ve learned them we call them experience and sometimes we have to learn them over and over but when we no longer have to learn them, then we call that Wisdom.
Somebody once said that Wisdom is experience lived.
And when we have the wisdom to celebrate our own weirdness, our own uniqueness, then we can tell each other that, if its okay in me then its okay in you.
And then we can connect at a more meaningful and authentic level.
And then maybe a lot of bickering will go away in the world and free us up to use our weirdness for the betterment of ourselves and the world.
Conclusion.
Embracing your weirdness is part of living your wisdom.
Today, go out and say The Weirdness in me sees the Weirdness in you. You’re my kinda weird.
Celebrate your weirdness and love the weirdness in others.
Go find the answers to the questions you don’t know you’re asking.
Go… and live your wisdom.
My name is Mark Davies. I’m an Author, Hypnotherapist, Life Coach, TIR Facilitator and fellow weirdo.
I believe in practical solutions and rapid results.
It took a long time for me to figure out where I fit in, so if you’re facing identity issues, difficult and conflicting decisions, social anxiety, anger and depression and anything else that goes with fitting in and finding your place in this crazy world, then I think I can help you.
Book an appointment.
